Duo? Gay? NEVER!....right?"
by Shinigami Baby
Summary: Relena catches Duo and Heero in an... intresting situation. Heh heh. **SHOUNEN AI WARNING**


A little something to think about before you read this: Quatre and Trowa are "together", Relena is a total PSYCHO, Trowa has this cool thing where he can... oh, you'll find out, Duo DOES NOT like Hilde at all, Hilde is a stalker, Wufei is pretty much the "normal one", there's some ass slapping in this fic, Duo gets naked in this fic, pornography gets tossed around, and there's swears. If you pass all that crap and promise you won't flame me and Chiberz, then by all means... read. ~Shinigami Baby 

"Duo? Gay? Never!...Right?" by Shinigami Baby and Chiberz Da Bish 

"AAAAAAAAAAGH!" Duo screamed, running into the house. He slammed the door behind him and locked it, then peeked out the peep hole. 

Trowa looked up from his book. "Hilde trouble?" 

Duo gulped and nodded, peeking out the peep hole one more time before joining Heero on the couch. "I swear, she must be obsessed or something." Heero looked over at the sweat-drenched Duo and inched away from him. Duo glared at Heero. "What?" 

Heero looked Duo right in the face and said "You smell. Get away from me." 

Duo frowned. "You could have broken it to me lightly, Heero." He got up and threw his cap on the coffee table. He walked down the hallway to the bathroom, then went inside. He sighed and began to undress. 'Damn crazy women.' Duo thought as he undid his braid. Once his hair was all out, he grabbed his shampoo and stepped into the shower, then turned on the water. "Ahhhh... that feels good." He smiled as the hot water drenched him. 

In the kitchen, Quatre was chopping up lettuce for a salad he was preparing to go with dinner.(Why do I always put Quatre in the kitchen? He's rich, ne? He prolly doesn't even need to know how to cook... oh well, this is why this is a fanfic!) He walked over and stuck his head into the fridge as he dug into the back of it to grab the tomatoes. When he stood back up, arms grabbed him from behind and pulled him away. Quatre gasped, but then felt Trowa's breath on his neck. "You scared me, Trowa. I've asked you not to do that." 

Trowa chuckled. "You're so cute when you're scared though, Quatre-chan." He kissed Quatre on the cheek and let go of him. "Need any help in here?" He took the tomatoes out of Quatre's hands. 

Quatre smiled. "That would be nice." 

Trowa smiled and bumped Quatre out of the way with his hip. Quatre, caught off guard, fell back a few steps. After regaining balance, Quatre got behind Trowa and hugged him from behind with his arms around Trowa's waist. "You're always so mean, Trowa." Quatre said in a pouty, teasy voice. 

Trowa reached his hands down to meet Quatre's, then he turned around and placed Quatre's hands on his hips. He held Quatre's face in his hands and kissed his nose. "Stop being cute, you." Trowa smiled. 

"Can't help it." Quatre flirted. They boys went to kiss when... 

"Ahh kuso! Sorryyyy!" Wufei said as he walked into the kitchen. He quickly turned around so he wouldn't be looking at Quatre and Trowa. "I didn't mean to invade your privacy...gomen ne." He still wasn't used to seeing two guys kissing. 

Quatre blushed and pressed his index fingers together. Trowa scratched the back of his head and laughed nervously. "I-interrupting?" Trowa asked. "You weren't interrupting anything heh heh." 

Wufei frowned. "Don't lie, you were about to suck Quatre's face off. Just admit it." 

"Oh my...." Quatre gasped and went back to slicing tomatoes. 

"Ahh, so what if I was." Trowa said with a cocky smile, as he slapped Quatre on the ass. Quatre gave a startled jump and his eyes widened. 

"Whoa!" Quatre exclaimed. He rubbed where Trowa had just hit him, then returned the slap. Trowa got a wicked smile on his face as he slapped Quatre's rear again. 

(0.o) Poor Wufei watched as this ensued. "Y-you know what guys? I just remembered that there's something cool in the living room called a TV... I think I'll go watch that instead of this." And with that, he was gone. 

Trowa looked at the blushing Quatre and winked. Quatre's jaw dropped, then he covered his mouth and giggled. 

Meanwhile in the shower with Duo(Oh God I wish...*drool*)... "It's so alright! maybe too right! Sono uchi kitto come to light! It's so alright! Maybe too right! Hey you! Gaman-zuyoi n' da ne...Mou machibikutabireta!... han Unzari shite 'ru Hi ni hi tsunourAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! What the fuck are you doing in my bathroom!?!?!" Duo screamed, covering himself. 

Hilde smiled evilly. "I came to see you, Duo-chan." 

"'Duo-chan'? Oh man...." Duo sighed. "Waah! Just go away Hilde! I don't even *like* you like that!!!" 

"You think I'm gonna give up that easily?" Hilde asked, moving her head to the side to try and get a good view of Duo naked, but he kept moving. "I don't think so." 

Duo whimpered and shouted. "WAAH! GUYS HEEEEELP!!!" 

Quate and Trowa couldn't hear Duo's cries for help, they were too busy kissing. Wufei had headphones on and was listening to music. As for Heero, he was sleeping in his room. So... needless to say, Duo was pretty much screwed. 

"Stay back, demon-child!" Duo shouted at Hilde. He ripped the shower curtain down and tied it around his waist to cover himself. He grabbed his cross around his neck and pointed it at her, this was Duo's defense mechanism. 

"Ooh, Duo... so sekushii...." Hilde said as she licked her lips. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Duo screamed as he ran out of the bathroom. He ran clear past Hilde, down the hallway, and into Heero's room. Duo slammed the door behind him and gasped for air. 

Heero woke up and looked up at Duo in the pink shower curtain. "Duo?" Heero rubbed his eyes. "What are you doing in my room... and dressed like *that*?" 

"I'm avoiding Hilde! She keeps stalking meee! All I was doing was taking a shower when all of a sudden, she magically appears in the bathroom. Save me Heero!" Duo jumped into Heero's arms. 

Heero scowled and dropped Duo on the floor. "You wuss, you can't even get rid of one girl?" Heero asked. 

"I can't help it if I'm so damn irrisistible. Look at this face!" Duo made a kawaii face at Heero. 

Heero flinched. "Argh, so you're cute, what's your point?" 

"My point IS, it's not My fault that Hilde is stalking me." Duo stated simply. "If only I could get rid of her for good..." 

A lightbulb went off in Duo's head. "HEY! I knowww!" 

"Uh-oh..." Heero said dreadfully. 

Later... 

"Hilde, why don't you come on over, there's someone I want you to meet." Duo said through the telephone. 

"OKAY!" Hilde agreed. She slammed the reciever down and ran over to the house. 

"Right this way..." Duo said as he opened the door. "Hilde, meet my boyfriend Heero." 

Hilde's jaw dropped when Duo put an arm around Heero. "What the FUCK?" She shouted. 

"No, no Hilde. That was earlier." Duo said, winking at Heero. 

Heero smiled and slapped Duo playfully on his arm. "Oh, you silly! Just tell the whole world why don't you?" 

"Y...you and Heero are gay now?" Hilde said. 

Duo nodded. "Yeah. Ain't he somethin'?" 

"First Quatre and Trowa, now you two?" Hilde asked. 

Heero nodded and slid his arms around Duo's waist. "Yeah. Isn't it weird?! Oh well, I guess I couldn't keep my feelings at bay any longer. Duo and I were meant for eachother." Heero gave Duo a small squeeze. 

"But Heero, what about Relena?" Hilde asked. 

"Relena Shmelena! Heero's MINE now!" Duo said, brushing his bangs off his forehead. 

"He's so cute when he's jealous!" Heero said, leaning his head on Duo's shoulder. 

"Aww, honey..." Duo said rubbing Heero on his back. 

"Oh my God..." Hilde said. "I...uh, have somewhere I have to be..." Then she ran out of the house, leaving the door wide open. 

Duo let go of Heero and slapped him on the back. "Thanks, pal. I think she bought it." Duo said, smiling. 

Heero shuddered. "Ugh, I feel so gay." 

"Well, that's what we were trying to make Hilde think. Wow, you're a pretty good actor, Heero." 

Heero smiled. "I think I'll call Relena now, before Hilde tells her what just happ-" 

The phone rang. 

Duo picked it up. "Hellooooo?" 

"YOU BITCH! PUT HEERO ON THIS VERY INSTANT!" Relena screamed. 

Duo pulled his head away from the phone. "Oww my ears!" He handed the phone to Heero. "It's your girlfriend, Heero... she's really pissed." 

"Oh no..." Heero sighed. He took the phone. "Hi honey..." 

"DON'T YOU 'HI HONEY' ME, YUY HEERO! WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT YOU AND DUO GOING OUT, HUH? ISN'T MY PUSSY GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?" 

"Relena, it isn't like that...Now calm down" Heero said. 

"..............Fine. Explain yourself." Relena said. 

"Duo and I were pretending to be gay to keep Hilde away from him. We aren't REALLY going out." Heero said. 

"So Duo really isn't your boyfriend?" Relena asked. 

"No, he's not. You know I only love you, Relenababe." Heero said. 

"...Oh Heero! I'm so sorry I accused you of cheating!" Relena said. "I'm coming over right now!" She hung up the phone. 

Heero smiled a huge smile. 

"Uh-oh...I know that smile." Duo said. "That's the 'Heero's gettin' some tonight' smile." 

Heero nodded. "Ohh yeah." 

Duo snikered and went off to his bedroom to go read. Trowa and Quatre were at the kitchen door the whole time Heero was Duo's 'boyfriend', then decided to go back to coooking when Hilde left. 

"Oh my God! Duo and Heero?!? OhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGod!!!" Quatre shouted. Trowa put his hand on Quatre's head and held it straight. 

"Quatre-chan...caaaaalm. It's not that big a deal. I mean, c'mon! Heero's always wearing those screamingly gay bike shorts flaunting himself to every male in the world. Who WOULDN'T know he's gay? But as for Duo... that just stumps me... I mean all those chicks goin' after him and whatnot. Oh well." Trowa shrugged. 

Duo laid in bed with one arm behind his head, the other holding a picture of his bakery girl, Stefi. She was winking and blowing a kiss. 'SO kawaii... Me gay?' Duo thought. 'I don't think so.' After that thought he fell right to sleep. 

Heero was sitting on the couch watching some TV after he saw Relena out the door when Duo burst out of his room screaming. His hair was all over the place and his eyes were wide open. Heero looked up at Duo questioningly. "Err, are you okay, Duo-kun?" 

Duo didn't look all there. He plopped down on the couch, breathing heavily and shivering. 

"Uh, Duo?" Heero asked again. 

Duo reached over and grabbed Heero by the back of the head and planted a big wet kiss right on his lips. 

"MmmPh! DuOHMephe STOP MPH iT!" Heero gasped. 

Just then, Relena walked in. "Heero,I forgot my-WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING???" She grabbed whatever hair that wasn't out of Duo's braid and yanked him back. Duo fell off the couch and fell unconcious. Heero sat up with a dumbfounded look on his face and looked up at a very pissed Relena. She stomped her foot and glared at him. "WELL?" She demanded. 

"Uhm, I don't know what happened just now, honey, I swear! I was sitting here watching TV When Duo came running out of his room. Then he kissed me." Heero explained. 

Relena looked down at the peacefully sleeping Duo. A speck of drool escaped his mouth. She looked back up at Heero. "And you think I should believe that shit?!?" She pointed down at Duo. "It looks like you two were at it for quite a while too!" 

Heero slapped his forehead. "Babe, he was asleep." 

Quatre and Trowa peeked their heads out from the kitchen door to see what was going on, then scared little Quatre popped his head back in when he saw just how pissed Relena was. Duo was still passed out so Trowa decided to move him back to his room while Heero and Relena engaged in their yelling match... well actually more like Relena yelling and Heero cowering in fear while trying to explain. 

About 3 hours later, Duo sat up in bed. He stretched and rubbed the back of his head. "What the hell did I bang my head on? And what's up with my hair?" He walked out of his room and saw Relena in the living room on one end and Heero headed for his room. 

"You two got it on again, eh?" Relena said to Duo as she lunged at him. 

"AAGH! What!?!?" Duo yelled as he hit the floor. 

"YOU ASSHOLE! WHY DID YOU KISS HIM???" Relena shouted. Duo rubbed the back of his head and looked up at her. "WELL?" She slapped Duo across the face, then crossed her arms. "And don't you DARE say 'I don't remember' or I will kick your tight little ass, Duo-kun!" 

Duo was about to make a wise-ass remark, but he decided not to since he feared for his life at the moment. At that moment, Heero walked out of his room to see what was going on. 

"T-to tell you the truth, Relena, I really don't remember...heh heh." Duo put on his cutest face. 

Relena frowned at Duo and looked up at Heero. 

"Maybe he was sleep walking or something?" Heero asked. 

The whole time all this was going on, Wufei was engrossed in a book he was reading and listening to his music really loudly. He took the headphones off and closed his book. "Ehh... what's going on in here, minna-san?" Wufei asked. 

The three teens shot him a death glare. Wufei squeaked, then opened his book, pretending to read as the rest of their conversation continued. 

After a long slience, Duo grabbed his head. "I... I think I remember that in the dream I was having... I kissed Heero. I didn't think I really did it though... What does this all mean!?" His big blue eyes quivered, then he pushed Relena off him and ran into his room. 

Relena looked up at Heero, who was standing over her. Heero frowned and folded his arms. "I think you owe Maxwell-san an apology, Relena." Heero said plainly. 

Relena nodded and got up. She walked over to Duo's bedroom door and knocked. "Duo?...It's me, Duo. Please let me in... Look, I'm really sorry about accusing you of stealing Heero from me. Duo?" She turned the door knob and walked into Duo's messy room. She looked around, but Duo was nowhere to be found. Relena turned around and saw Heero in the doorway. "He's not in here, Heero. I'm worried." 

Heero nodded. "Let's go look for him then." 

Hours later, Heero and Relena returned to the house, still Duo-less. Relena sat down on the loveseat. "This is all my fault! If...if anything happens to Duo, it's all my fault!" She began sobbing. Heero held her. "I was so wrong to think Duo would try to come between us, Heero. Afterall, it was Duo that set us up." Relena blew her nose on a tissue given to her by Quatre. 

Trowa walked into the living room. "I... I wouldn't be too worried about Duo if I were you Relena." He said. 

"He's okay? You know where he is?" Relena beamed. "I need to apologize to him!" She stood up. 

"Err, Duo's in his room but-" Trowa began to say, but was cut off by Relena as she ran past him and into Duo's room. 

When Relena opened the door, a scream erupted from Duo's room. 

"OH MY GOD! I'M SOOO SORRYYYY!" Relena screamed as she ran out of the room and shut the door. 

Heero and Trowa looked at her puzzled. Quatre walked up behind Trowa and held his hand. "What is it, Relena?" Quatre asked. 

"Well, let's just say I caught Duo at an awakward time." Relena said. 

"What was he doing, Relena?" Quatre asked curiously. 

Trowa's eyes widened and he looked down at Quatre, nudging him. 

"What do YOU think he was doing, Quatre?" Relena asked. This made Quatre blush. 

"Um, reading?" Quatre asked, not really sure. 

"Sort of" Relena said. 

A hint of blood escaped from Quatre's nose. Everyone fell. Relena's eye twitched. "Well, looks like I have nothing to worry about..." 

Heero nodded. "Mm-hmm." 

Trowa looked over at poor Quatre. Quatre was sleeping, either that or he passed out from shock. Trowa shook his head and picked Quatre up. He walked over to Quatre's room and put him in bed. He kissed Quatre gently on the forehead, then walked out of his room. 

Relena looked at Trowa and snickered. 

"Nani?" He asked. 

"Not going to take advantage of this situation?" Relena asked. 

Trowa blushed. "No! I'm not some horny pervert! I'm a gentleman!" 

Relena nodded. "Ohh, I see." 

Heero looked at Trowa for a moment. "...You are so full of shit, Trowa." 

Trowa blushed even redder. "N-no I'm not!" 

"Yes you are. You're always telling us what you and Quatre do once you get the chance, like if he's in the kitchen or something." Heero said with a smirk. 

"Ooh really, like what?" Relena asked. 

"Well, there was this one time Trowa asked Quatre for a massage and-"Heero started. 

"AAAGH! Shut-up!!!" Trowa begged. "Ohhh fine, I'll be quiet." Heero said. 

Trowa wiped the sweat off his brow. ">whew<" 

"-and Trowa discovered Quatre's 'SandROCK'!" Heero finished. 

Trowa's eye twitched. A weird grin spread across his face and a speck of drool escaped his lips. 

"Uh-oh..." Wufei said from across the room. He got behind the loveseat and put on an army helmet, then he tossed one to Relena. "You'd better put that on!" Wufei shouted. 

Relena nodded and placed the helmet on her head, then ran behind the loveseat with Wufei. "What's going on, Wufei?" She asked. 

Wufei shook his head. "You'll see... Oh man, this is NOT gonna be pretty." He and Relena poked their heads up just enough over the loveseat to see what was going on. And Wufei was right, it wasn't pretty. 

Trowa's visible eye rolled into the back of his head, showing nothing but the white of his eye now, which started to glow. A strange red aura started to surround Trowa as he continued to snarl and drool. Trowa then howled and ripped his shirt off. Heero let out a small squeal as Trowa grabbed him by the shoulder. 

"Relena, you may want to cover your eyes now." Wufei warned. 

Relena didn't heed his warning and watched as Trowa headbutted her Heero, sending his ass onto the floor. Trowa then stepped on his head. Heero was crying by now. He was scared out of his mind and had only seen Trowa like this once before... but that's another story. 

Trowa belted out a primitive howl as he began to beat Heero senseless, that is until Quatre appeared in the doorway. "Trowa! Stop it!!!" Quatre yelled. 

The bizzare aura faded and Trowa's eye became visible once more. He wiped his drool on the now unconscious Heero's shirt and looked over at Quatre. 

Quatre had his hands on his hips and he looked none too pleased. "You did it again, didn't you?" Quatre scolded. 

Trowa looked down at Heero's limp body, then back up at Quatre's angry face. He nodded. 

"What did I tell you about that, hmm?" Quatre asked. 

Trowa looked down at the floor and kicked Heero's unconscious self gently. ".......not to." Trowa answered quietly. 

"That's right. Now apologize to Heero...er, when he wakes up, that is." Quatre said. 

Trowa nodded. He stepped over Heero and walked past Quatre to his room to get another shirt. Quatre folded his arms and shook his head, sighing. 

Wufei popped his head up over the loveseat. "Is it safe?" He asked Quatre. Quatre nodded. Wufei stood up and threw his helmet onto the chair. Relena stood up as well and ran over to Heero. 

She looked up at Quatre. "Why did Trowa-" She began to ask. 

"He just gets angry sometimes. Luckily, I can calm him down." Quatre explained. 

Seconds later, Duo emerged from his room, yawning. "Hey guys. What's up with Heero?" He asked. 

Quatre rolled his eyes. "Trowa happened." 

Duo nodded, understanding completely. He was there that night when Trowa... ehh that's another story. "I see..." He said. "Well, Wu-man, here's your magazine." Duo threw a boobie magazine at Wufei. It fell at Relena's feet. She looked down at it and picked it up. 

"What is THIS?" She asked, waving the dirty magazine in the air as if it were some ordinary magazine. Wufei turned bright red as Relena observed the cover. "Oh my..." Relena said quietly. 

Quatre snatched the dirty mag from Relena's hands and threw it to Duo. Duo looked down at it. "I don't need this anymore!" Duo threw it back to Quatre. 

"What am I going to do with this!?" Quatre shouted to Duo. He dropped the porn on the floor. "If Trowa caught me with THAT, I'd be in a lot of trouble." 

Trowa came out of his room with a new shirt on. "Caught you with what, Quatre-chan?" Trowa asked, folding his arms. 

"Err, nothing!" Quatre kicked the porn in Duo's direction. Duo looked down at it and kicked it over to Relena. Relena kicked it to Wufei. Wufei bent over and picked it up, then hid it behind his back. 

Trowa eyed Wufei suspiciuosly. "Wufei, what's that behind your back?" 

"What's what?" Wufei asked. He dropped the porn behind the couch and raised his hands. "Nothing in my hands, see?" 

Trowa blinked. "Hmm. Quatre-chan, you're not hiding anything from me, are you?" 

Quatre sweatdropped. "No, Trowa. Why would I hide something from you?" 

"Wufei, move please." Trowa asked. 

"Uh, Trowa, I don't think that-" Wufei started. 

"I said MOVE!" Trowa demanded. 

Wufei jumped to the side. Trowa bent over the couch and picked up the dirty magazine. He held it away from his body, disgusted. "Ugh, Quatre, please tell me this isn't yours." Trowa said. 

Quatre shook his head. "That's not mine. Duo brought it in here." 

Trowa looked at Duo. "Yours?" 

Duo shook his head. "Ain't mine." 

Trowa glanced over at Relena. "Yours?" 

Relena blushed. "No! What would I be doing with a boobie magazine?" 

Trowa shrugged. "I dunno." he looked over at Wufei. "I take it this is yours then?" 

Wufei nodded. "Yeah, I let Duo borrow it for...recreational purposes." 

"I've never heard it called *that* before..." Trowa commented. 

"I guess Duo really ISN'T gay afterall..." A voice in the front door way said. 

Duo glanced over and saw the last person he wanted to see at that moment. He clapped his hand to his forehead and sweatdropped. He whimpered as Hilde approached him. 

"Why'd you do that, Duo?" Hilde asked. 

"It was... a... joke?" Duo said. 

"Well..." Hilde rubbed his chest and looked up at him. "...it wasn't very FUNNY!" Hilde brought her knee up and kneed Duo square in the balls. Duo's face turned red, then he fell to the floor. Hilde frowned, then walked out of the house. "AND I'M TELLING ALL MY CUTE GIRLFRIENDS THAT YOU'RE GAY, DUO!" She shouted as she slammed the door. 

Quatre looked down at Duo. "Uhh, are you okay, Duo?" 

Duo let a pained smile pass his lips as he gave Quatre a thumbs up. "Never better, heh heh." He said. 

THE END!!! 


End file.
